Humor and Money

Now, there are a couple of odd bedfellows. People may want to cry about financial problems, but they curiously don't seem to want to laugh about them. Personally, I stick with Robert Burns when he said, "I laugh ere I cry."

Over time, I have gleaned a few jokes about things financial, but it has been harder than you might imagine, much as we might need suchlike. So cast aside your tax prep work, your ruined retirement fantasies, and the latest headlines warning of medicare cuts, and have a chuckle.

After all, it's good not to get too emotionally involved in your own life:

-- 2 brokers meet on Wall Street.

"Are you optimistic or pessimistic about the market?" says the first one.

Replies the second, "I'm optimistic."

"Then why are you frowning?" asks the first.

To which the second one says, "I'm not sure my optimism is justified."

-- "Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

-- 2010 memo from Wall Street Bank accounting department: "Commencing today, 2 and 2 are 4 again."

-- There are few things in life more reassuring than an unhappy lottery winner.

-- The best way to tell if something is gold or not is to pass it around a crowded bar. If it comes back, it's not gold.

-- Client to lawyer: "How much will you charge to prepare a will?"

Lawyer: "Plan 1 is $1000 and plan 2 is free."

Client: "What's the difference?"

Lawyer: "With Plan 2, you don't get to read the will."

-- Doctor to patient in the ICU: "I just got a note from your insurance company informing me that you are cured."

--Interviewer to man juggling: "You seem to have the qualifications we're looking for in a bookkeeper."

-- ER doc to nurse: "How is the boy who swallowed a quarter?"

Nurse: "No change."

-- A woman is called from her shower by an insistent doorbell. She throws on a towel and rushes to the door. It's her neighbor Bob, who, after taking in the situation says, "I'll give you $800 to drop the towel. After a few seconds, she drops the towel, and after another few seconds the neighbor hands her $800. As the door closes, her husband shouts from the back of the house, "Was that Bob? Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

-- The difference between gambling on the stock market and on horse races is that one of the horses has to win.

-- "I've spent a lot of money on booze, broads, and betting. The rest I just squandered." - Attributed to (too) many.

-- Money is just like sex. If you don't have it, then that's all you can think of. If you do have it, your mind wanders to other things.

-- Einstein was looking for someone to talk to and he asked the first person he saw what his IQ was. "160," says he, to which Einstein replies, "Fascinating, now we can discuss chess and quantum physics." The next day Einstein found a person who said his IQ was 135 and Einstein replied,"Wonderful. We can talk about music literature and the arts." The 3rd day the man he asked replied "70," and Einstein asked "So what's going to happen to the stock market?"

-- A man on his way overseas stops in a bank in New York and asks to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his Rolls Royce. The surprised loan officer wrote the check and drove the car into the bank's garage for safekeeping. 2 weeks later, the borrower returned and wrote a check for the $5000 principle and $20 for interest. In returning the keys, the loan officer said, "If you don't mind my asking, why would you borrow $5000 for 2 weeks if you own a Rolls Royce?" The borrower replied "Where else could I park my car in New York for 2 weeks for $20?"