Coffee Care: What if Starbucks Were Run Like Your University Hospital?

Howard Schultz has done an admirable job turning Starbucks around, and some think he has his eyes on serving lattes in the White House. If he leaves, maybe the Starbucks board will be looking for a mega Sick Care rock star to take the helm. But, then, what would Starbucks look like if it were run by a Sick Care big double espresso shot?

1. You would have to wait two hours to pick up your order.

2. You would have to get prior authorization for any ingredients not included as a covered benefit.

3. You would be served, more and more, by a barista assistant, unless they requested a consult from the barista in charge.

4. The website would give you information using terms you can't understand.

5. Forget about parking. That's your problem.

6. We won't be telling you about all the adverse medical effects of caffeine.

7. With thousands of coffee drink combinations, we certainly won't be sharing your menu preferences with other Starbucks.

8. Unfortunately, your Starbucks card information is not secure and is unlikely to be in the near future.

9. It is un-American that most of the 99% can't afford us. So, we will be lobbying to create a fund that taxes those that can so others can enjoy their cappuccinos just like all the rest.

10. We will no longer post prices. Instead, it will come as a big surprise at the cash register and it will be your responsibility to figure out how to pay for it. If you are interested, we would be happy to have you talk to our Coffee Insurance representative who can advise you about payment options.

There is one more thing that might attract top candidates. There are more drop out docs so finding talent won't be a problem as long as they offer a loan forgiveness program. Plus, they won't have to change the policy and procedure manual.

Coffee care might have a big future. After all, Sick Care is making trillions doing it wrong. Did you say grande double decaf skim vanilla mocha? Go ahead. I dare you. Guess how much that costs?