Author shares wish list for 21st century

August 25, 2011

Any doctor currently in practice appreciates all the new treatments that emerged in the 20th century.

Plenty of room for innovation exists in the 21st century. however, I have a long wish list of must-have drugs and products that I'd like to see become available to make my life and my patients' lives easier in the decades ahead. I hope well-equipped medicine cabinets and drug store shelves of the near future will stock:

Melt-o-Meal. A meal-replacement drink that melts pounds away. It's free of side effects-no heart attacks, oily diarrhea, or messy, sweaty workouts.

Klarvoyex. This pill helps children or employees clearly see what needs to be done, and motivates them to do it. A second-generation version, Klarvoyex2, enables people to find things remotely. It's great for finding misplaced keys and cell phones.

ComAer. This sweet-smelling aerosol brings common sense to any situation. It's dispersed through central heating or air conditioning units. No modern office or home should be without it.

Ugh and Yix. These medicines make it easy to do what's good for you. Ugh makes fat, salt, and sugar taste horrible and healthful foods like broccoli, asparagus, and bran cereals irresistible. Yix makes alcohol, inhalants, and addictive drugs so unpleasant that there is no longer any illicit drug trade or liquor stores.

JOY (Juice of Youth). I keep apologizing that I don't have a cure for aging yet-other than death-which is rather extreme. JOY, a chemically synthesized juice, does the job extremely well.

ICTAL (I cannot tell a lie). For people who have seized power. Politicians and corporate CEOs take this cherry-flavored pill every morning. The cherry flavor reminds them of George Washington's apocryphal confession about chopping down his father's cherry tree.

BalProb. I have lot of patients complaining about balance problems. BalProb helps power mongers balance budgets, ideologies, priorities, morality, etc. They probably could use a whiff of ComAerol too, come to think of it.

iSwearTo. We definitely need something to make patients adhere to doctors' recommended treatment plans. iSwearTo, an adherence pill, makes patients take as directed all the other pills we prescribe.

Yum. Modern society boasts "a pill for every ill," but we need help for medication-sensitive patients who complain, "Every pill makes me ill." Yum counterbalances Ugh and Yix.

MindRewind. I just remembered this one. MindRewind zips the memory back a few minutes. Climb the stairs to get something and forget what it was? Take a MindRewind and instantly remember.

MindMeld enables the mind reading that a successful partner, parent, teacher, or employee really needs. It's especially helpful in the MindMeld Select version, which only allows someone to read the parts of your mind that you want them to read.

TTT tea (Triple-T tea). TrappedTongueTip tea releases those words trapped on the tip of your tongue that can never get out.